Can a woman propose to a man?

By ANN ZULU

ZAMBIANS have expressed divergent views on whether a woman should propose marriage to her male partner.

Some, who spoke to this reporter in separate interviews said it was not advisable to do so.

A Lusaka-based marriage counsellor, Mercy Muchanga said there was nothing wrong with women proposing.

 “Women know who they are comfortable with to get married to so if a woman feels the guy is dragging his feet, I recommend she suggests marriage to him.

“She can simply ask him where the relationship is headed. She should give the man hints that show she is interested and create an atmosphere for him to pop the question if he is serious and if he still doesn’t, she should take the hint and move on,” she said.

Ms Muchanga, however, added that she would not advise women to make the final proposal.

“When a woman proposes by officially popping the question and getting him engaged, she gives him room to take her for granted and most men do take advantage of it.

“Men also don’t support the idea much because it makes them lose their voice of authority or leadership in the relationship which makes it boring,” she said.

Mr Davis Daka, a theological student, noted that the Bible didn’t support women proposing to men.

 “The Bible emphasises on men providing, instructing, leading and protecting their wives and family, so if a woman proposes, she is saying she wants to take up the man’s role.

“The Bible says wives should submit to their husbands as the husband is the head of the house as Christ is of the church and this submission refers to women following the lead of their husbands.

“It also says that he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord, not she who finds a husband.

“Women proposing to men might lead to some successful marriages, but in most cases the reverse is the case,” he said.

Mr Abdul Ibrahim, a Muslim, said it wasn’t wrong for women to propose marriage as far as it was done according to the Islamic rules.

“If a Muslim woman is interested in a man who is worthy of her, she is free to honourably approach him with a marriage proposal.

“This may be seen as improper to some Muslims from different cultures but it is a cultural attitude, not an Islamic one.

“She could do it indirectly by asking her parents to ask his parents or by requesting the assistance of a relative or mutual friend.

“If she decides to go herself, she has to abide by Islamic laws such as asking him for a meeting in public along with a friend or relative to act as a chaperone.

“She has to be mindful of her appearance and body language too,” he said.

Ms Trinah Kabwe, who recently got married, said that she doesn’t like the idea of women proposing to men.

“A woman is to be won like a prize, not to be given out like a souvenir, so the best she can do is to give the man signs that she is interested in getting married to him.

“By the second year of dating my husband, I had shown him marriage signs even by spending a couple of weeks at his place every now and then.

“At one point I asked him if we were cousins that were sharing a house and he responded no, two weeks later he proposed to me. Women just have to communicate indirectly,” Ms Kabwe said.

Mr Moses Hakalima, a bus driver, said he saw nothing wrong with women proposing as long as the women were ready to take up the responsibilities of the men.

“Proposing marriage means the person asking is willing to cater for the prospective partner and be responsible for the person.

“Therefore, if she wants to propose to a man, she should be willing to bear the marital responsibilities, which includes paying the groom price.

“If the man is willing to be a househusband while she works to finance the home she shouldn’t complain because she asked for it by proposing,” he said.

Mr John Bwalya, a Relationship Coach said there was nothing wrong with the proposal and that he viewed such women as bold individuals who were goal getters.

“I respect women who decide to do such because, it displays self-confidence and shows the woman is a goal getter, but that at times can be scary to some men.

“I have always imagined how I would propose to a girl but I’m scared of her saying no, therefore I will prefer to be proposed to.

“Our culture believes that the woman is made to look cheap if she does that, but if a woman is sure that she has found her man, she should grab him,” Mr Bwalya said.