ZAMBIAN MEN STEP UP TO FIGHT SGBV

BY ANNIE ZULU

“AS long as I paid for her Lobola (bride price), my wife has no right to deny me sex whenever I want it and if she dares try to stop me, I punch her and force myself on her,” This was 39-year old Allan Chilambwe’s monstrous thinking and behaviour few years ago before he reformed.

Chilambwe, who runs a photography business in Chongwe, a  small rural town situated in Lusaka Province of Zambia tells me that he did not care whether his  26-year old wife Mary, was unwell or not in the mood for sex.

The only thing he was concerned about was having his sexual desires fulfilled even if it meant using force.

According to him, he believed that wives were supposed to make themselves available for sex whenever their husbands demands of it.

“I used to think that when you pay lobola for a woman as a man, then she automatically becomes your property and you can have sex with her anytime you feel like. I was very abusive towards my wife; I beat her up and used all my strength to have sex with her even when she never wanted to.  I would also beat her over every little misunderstanding we had,” Chilambwe narrates.

He added that despite all his beatings, his wife never fought back nor reported him anywhere, but instead suffered alone in silence.

“My wife was unhappy with my behaviour towards her and most of the times she cried and kept all the pain to herself,” Chilambwe said.

Just like Chilambwe, Nonde Sikasote 30, who has a poultry business, is another ex-wife batterer also from Chongwe.

For Sikasote, his excess drinking of alcohol was a major reason for his aggressive and violent behaviour towards his wife Charity 26.

Whenever he got drunk; he always lost his cool and picked up a fight with his wife.

“I often used to come home extremely drunk and late, each time my wife tried to talk to me, I became very aggressive. A week hardly passed without me beating my wife and verbally abusing her, Sikasote said.

However, these outrageously evil behaviours are now a thing of the past for the two gentlemen, as they have transformed into loving husbands and responsible members of society.

The transformation came about after they attended a sensitization workshop organized by the Zambia National Men’s Network for Gender and Development (ZNMNGD), an organization that works with men and boys in promoting their wellbeing and their participation in tackling gender injustices.

Chilambwe said the sensitization has helped him realize that just like every human being; women also had rights over their bodies regardless of their marital status.

He now treats his wife with respect and considers her decisions even in bedroom matters.

“I no longer look at my wife as a sex object, but a partner in love and progress.  We live in harmony as husband and wife, I now listen to her when she does not feel like having sex at a particular time,” he said.

                                                Chilambwe and his wife Mary now living happily

Sikasote described the sensitization workshop as insightful, stressing that it has helped him acquire relevant knowledge especially the ugly effects of Sexual and Gender-Based Violence (SGBV).

He has learnt how to handle marital differences with his wife amicably without resorting to violence and has adjusted his drinking of alcohol.

He also now helps her with household chores and pays more attention to her.

“I have learnt how to value my wife and respond to her needs appropriately. I no longer drink carelessly like I did and I always ensure that I give her all the attention she deserves. I now feel more loved and adored by my wife because I am now disciplined and orderly in my behaviour,” he said.

Both Chilambwe and Sikasote regret having subjected their wives to violence.

They are now active advocates for gender justice in their community and are changing the narrative of a man, which is portrayed in the media as violent and aggressive.

The two testimonies show how engaging men in SGBV activities could help in ending the vice.

The Zambia National Men’s Network for Gender and Development (ZNMNGD) is one of a few organizations in Zambia tackling SGBV from this perspective.

The organization is changing the approach towards addressing SGBV from sensitizing girls and women only which has been the case for many years to targeting their male counterparts.

ZNMNGD National Coordinator Nelson Banda tells me that his organization is conducting SGBV sensitization and outreach activities for boys and men in various communities within the country.

Mr Banda said over 1000 boys and men are trained every year on SGBV.

 “Attention has always been on women and girls, leaving out the male who area mostly the perpetrators, but we are changing that. We go to schools, institutions and places of worship among others to talk to boys and men; we teach them that promoting gender justice is not only responsibility of women and girls but theirs too.”

“We are building a mass movement of male champions who support and advocate for gender equality in their communities, through our formation of networks. Our desire is to see men and women live and work together to build a better country,” Mr Banda said.

Gender Activist Betty Mumba also supports the engagement of boys and men SGBV activities.

“There is need for boys and men to be fully engaged and involved to end violence against girls and women, stakeholder should start encouraging male participation in issues of SGBV,” Ms Mumba said.

Statistics, not only in Zambia but also Africa have proved over the years that girls and women top the list of those violated, which points to the fact that men are the perpetrators of most of violence.

Therefore, there is no doubt that the shift in the approach towards tackling SGBV from only targeting girls and women to engaging boys and men too would drastically reduce the violence.