BY ANNIE ZULU
“AS long as I paid for her Lobola (bride price), my
wife has no right to deny me sex whenever I want it and if she dares try to
stop me, I punch her and force myself on her,” This was 39-year old Allan
Chilambwe’s monstrous thinking and behaviour few years ago before he reformed.
Chilambwe, who runs a photography business in
Chongwe, a small rural town situated in
Lusaka Province of Zambia tells me that he did not care whether his 26-year old wife Mary, was unwell or not in
the mood for sex.
The only thing he was concerned about was having his
sexual desires fulfilled even if it meant using force.
According to him, he believed that wives were
supposed to make themselves available for sex whenever their husbands demands
of it.
“I used to think that when you pay lobola for a
woman as a man, then she automatically becomes your property and you can have
sex with her anytime you feel like. I was very abusive towards my wife; I beat
her up and used all my strength to have sex with her even when she never wanted
to. I would also beat her over every
little misunderstanding we had,” Chilambwe narrates.
He added that despite all his beatings, his wife
never fought back nor reported him anywhere, but instead suffered alone in
silence.
“My wife was unhappy with my behaviour towards her
and most of the times she cried and kept all the pain to herself,” Chilambwe said.
Just like Chilambwe, Nonde Sikasote 30, who has a
poultry business, is another ex-wife batterer also from Chongwe.
For Sikasote, his excess drinking of alcohol was a
major reason for his aggressive and violent behaviour towards his wife Charity
26.
Whenever he got drunk; he always lost his cool and
picked up a fight with his wife.
“I often used to come home extremely drunk and late,
each time my wife tried to talk to me, I became very aggressive. A week hardly
passed without me beating my wife and verbally abusing her, Sikasote said.
However, these outrageously evil behaviours are now a
thing of the past for the two gentlemen, as they have transformed into loving
husbands and responsible members of society.
The transformation came about after they attended a
sensitization workshop organized by the Zambia National Men’s Network for
Gender and Development (ZNMNGD), an organization that works with men and boys
in promoting their wellbeing and their participation in tackling gender
injustices.
Chilambwe said the sensitization has helped him
realize that just like every human being; women also had rights over their bodies
regardless of their marital status.
He now treats his wife with respect and considers
her decisions even in bedroom matters.
“I no longer look at my wife as a sex object, but a
partner in love and progress. We live in
harmony as husband and wife, I now listen to her when she does not feel like
having sex at a particular time,” he said.
Sikasote described the sensitization workshop as
insightful, stressing that it has helped him acquire relevant knowledge
especially the ugly effects of Sexual and Gender-Based Violence (SGBV).
He has learnt how to handle marital differences with
his wife amicably without resorting to violence and has adjusted his drinking
of alcohol.
He also now helps her with household chores and pays
more attention to her.
“I have learnt how to value my wife and respond to
her needs appropriately. I no longer drink carelessly like I did and I always
ensure that I give her all the attention she deserves. I now feel more loved
and adored by my wife because I am now disciplined and orderly in my behaviour,”
he said.
Both Chilambwe and Sikasote regret having subjected
their wives to violence.
They are now active advocates for gender justice in
their community and are changing the narrative of a man, which is portrayed in
the media as violent and aggressive.
The two testimonies show how engaging men in SGBV
activities could help in ending the vice.
The Zambia National Men’s Network for Gender and
Development (ZNMNGD) is one of a few organizations in Zambia tackling SGBV from
this perspective.
The organization is changing the approach towards
addressing SGBV from sensitizing girls and women only which has been the case
for many years to targeting their male counterparts.
ZNMNGD National Coordinator Nelson Banda tells me
that his organization is conducting SGBV sensitization and outreach activities
for boys and men in various communities within the country.
Mr Banda said over 1000 boys and men are trained
every year on SGBV.
“Attention
has always been on women and girls, leaving out the male who area mostly the
perpetrators, but we are changing that. We go to schools, institutions and
places of worship among others to talk to boys and men; we teach them that
promoting gender justice is not only responsibility of women and girls but
theirs too.”
“We are building a mass movement of male champions
who support and advocate for gender equality in their communities, through our
formation of networks. Our desire is to see men and women live and work
together to build a better country,” Mr Banda said.
Gender Activist Betty Mumba also supports the
engagement of boys and men SGBV activities.
“There is need for boys and men to be fully engaged
and involved to end violence against girls and women, stakeholder should start
encouraging male participation in issues of SGBV,” Ms Mumba said.
Statistics, not only in Zambia but also Africa have
proved over the years that girls and women top the list of those violated,
which points to the fact that men are the perpetrators of most of violence.
Therefore, there is no doubt that the shift in the
approach towards tackling SGBV from only targeting girls and women to engaging
boys and men too would drastically reduce the violence.
